Rags to Rags
by Maaya
Summary: Kevin Price tries to navigate life and somehow ends up sharing an apartment with the former Elder McKinley. McKinley/Price, mainly post-canon.


**Notes:** Kevin Price tries to navigate life and somehow ends up sharing an apartment with the former Elder McKinley. McKinley/Price, mainly post-canon.

Fic soundtrack is basically Eels' album "Beautiful Freak". In case anyone wants to, you know, get in the mood. Title is taken from the track with the same name.

 **Rags to Rags**

i

Kevin Price, age seven, knows that he is a child of Heavenly Father. His parents remind him of this on a semi-daily basis. It is their way of encouraging him when he is sad, their way of threatening him when he has done something wrong and their way of rewarding him when he has done something especially good. Kevin knows that God can always see him; so, he decides early on to give God a good show.

No, not good.

The best.

It is not always easy. He is very particular with his clothes, picky with his food (unless it includes pastries and sweets) and sometimes he throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. His younger brothers and sisters can be a total pain, so he has to learn to be good to them even when they are drawing in his favorite books and breaking his stuff. It is difficult for him to be forgiving when he finds that the film has been torn out of his favorite video tapes by an unsupervised one and a half-year old, so instead he shuts himself in his room and throws a pillow at the door until he is crying from sadness instead of anger.

School is easy to him and he is praised for being a quick learner. With the upbringing his parents give him, Sunday school is even easier. He quickly picks up on the behavioral cues and the goods and bads, and learns to use them even when he doesn't feel like it. He likes it when his Sunday school teacher uses him as a good example.

Kevin really likes to be praised. He likes that his peers in Sunday school look up to him and want to sit beside him during class and partner up with him when they study the scriptures.

In his regular school Kevin often stays inside the classroom to help his teachers prepare for the next lesson. The teachers call him a "good boy" (which makes him preen), but sometimes ask if he wouldn't rather head outside and play?

Sometimes he does, but then he is reminded of that most of his classmates don't seem to pick up on the same behavioral cues that he does. Not everyone seem to care that swearing is bad and bullying is mean, not even when he tells them so.

He isn't unpopular, per se, but his classmates keep their distance. Or maybe it is Kevin who does.

In the end it doesn't matter much, he think. Kevin Price knows that he is a child of God, and he _knows_ that he is special.

 _ii_

Kevin Price, age nineteen, is sort of in love with the Mission Training Center. He has been saving up for his mission ever since he was old enough to start babysitting his younger siblings to earn some extra money. He is _ready_. Ready to show the sceptics exactly how wrong they are, and how right Kevin is. Everyone have the potential to become children of God, and Kevin is going to help them.

His ability to quote the scriptures from memory earns him the admiration of both his teachers and his peers. He finds that they listen to him even when he is talking about other subjects.

When he tells them to stop rolling their eyes at Elder Cunningham's expense, they actually do so, at least when Kevin is around.

Just one small success on his road to brilliance.

* * *

Uganda turns out to be nothing like Kevin had hoped.

When Kevin's and Elder Cunningham's luggage get stolen on their very first day, Kevin has no idea that it is actually an ominous warning of what is to come. The two of them are left with the shirts on their backs, Elder Cunningham's small backpack with books and, ironically, their wallets. For several weeks Kevin has to walk around in borrowed mission uniforms, none of which fit him very well (though at least he is more fortunate than Elder Cunningham in that aspect).

The heat makes the air feel heavy in his lungs and his clothes are soaked in sweat at the end of each day. The training that he had received from the MTC had _not_ been adapted to the African conditions. His mission companion has no sense of personal space whatsoever.

Everything Kevin has built up about himself gets brutally torn down within a couple of days. He is left emotionally adrift in an unfamiliar country, and the most terrifying word he knows is beginning to enter his mind.

Doubt.

He finds a new purpose thanks to Elder Cunningham of all people. Still, he can't help but wonder how far the reputation of the failed Uganda mission will travel. Will his parents somehow hear about it?

At first there is too much to take care of in the village for him to really have time to worry about it. Arnold Cunningham is inspired but not very practical and there are plenty of details that need to be worked out if they are going to be able to stay in Uganda for the next two years. Most importantly, a source of income. Kevin may have saved money since he was twelve, but he's uncertain how far they will get without the church sponsoring their work.

It takes Kevin a few sleepless nights, but eventually he and Elder McKinley decide to travel to Kampala to try and appeal to the mission coordinator. Kevin doesn't think he has ever been any more nervous than the moments before stepping into that office; he can't let Arnold down now. He has prepared his speech well, using suitable quotations from the Book of Mormon.

Through their combined efforts he and McKinley somehow manage to convince the mission coordinator to reinstate the Uganda mission center. Kevin breathes a sigh of relief as he and Elder McKinley walk out of the office, both of them pale and exhausted.

They spend the rest of the day investigating Kampala and sleep at a hotel before heading back the next day. He finds himself enjoying the company of Elder McKinley, a calm and relaxing break from Arnold's admirable but sometimes exhausting enthusiasm.

Connor McKinley is soft-spoken and friendly. It is easy to see why he was chosen as the district leader, because he is a natural, caring listener. He has very expressive eyes that sometimes linger on Kevin just a moment too long. Kevin knows that Elder McKinley is attracted to him but he pretends not to notice.

That night Kevin wakes up to unfamiliar city sounds outside the window. He turns in the bed, the sheets tangling in his legs, and ends up meeting Elder McKinley's eyes.

"Can't sleep either?" Kevin mumbles, his throat rough from sleep.

McKinley sighs and sits up slowly, raking a hand through his hair. "Elder Price," he says, and his voice is as smooth as ever, leading Kevin to guess that he hadn't slept at all. "Or can I call you Kevin?"

Most of all, Kevin wants to go back to sleep. He bites back a sigh and sits up as well, setting his feet on the floor as he faces the other bed. "Sure. What's up?"

He thinks that Elder McKinley… Connor, might be biting hit lip, but it is difficult to tell for sure in the darkness.

"I don't want to say that I'm having a… crisis of faith," Connor says after a moment. "But…"

"You too, huh?" Kevin says when Connor trails off, surprising himself. In reality, he is not sure that he is going to have the energy to talk about this. Doubt, to Kevin, feels like sharp needle pricks in his chest. It feels like standing at the edge of a cliff with nothing to hold on to, and it feels… expansive. If there is anything that he has ever wanted to turn off, it would be this.

Ironically.

"I don't doubt Heavenly Father," Connor says, a bit of an edge appearing in his voice. "But maybe our interpretation could… use a little work."

Kevin rubs his eyes. "We just spent an hour and a half convincing the mission coordinator to accept us back as proper Latter Day Saints missionaries, and now you're saying that you're doubting the scripture?"

"Don't you?" Connor shoots back.

Kevin bites back a sharp reply and lies down again, knowing that his own doubt includes more than interpretations of the scriptures. He doesn't know what to reply, and Connor doesn't say anything else.

It takes a long time before Kevin falls back asleep.

 _iii_

Kevin Price, age twenty-one, is back in Utah after two years in Uganda. His mother frets over how tan he is and how light his hair has become. His siblings have changed insanely much and yet, somehow not at all. They're taller, certainly, but they're still snugly encased in the safety of family and faith. The only one missing is Jack, his little brother, who has recently left on his own mission. From the letters Kevin had received he learns that Jack had been sent to Canada, which the Kevin of two years ago would have considered extremely unfair. Now, he is mostly relieved that Jack will probably not have to see some guy get shot in the face on his first day.

He never did tell his family about that.

Kevin has had his future planned out since he was fifteen. He was going to study theology or philosophy at BYU, graduate with honors and then continue his education within the church. He is going to marry, have at least four children and he is going to take them to Orlando at least once every year.

It's difficult to admit to himself that he doesn't know what he wants with his life anymore. Certainly not dedicate his life to the church, even though he finds himself unable to admit even that to his parents.

Who _is_ Kevin Price without the church?

But despite the distance he feels between himself and his family, it _is_ nice to be back. He doesn't have to do laundry every day, for one thing. There is actually an _endless supply_ of water in the house, both hot and cold. He can sleep until noon if he wants, and he can buy proper snacks in every street corner.

Or he could, if he hadn't just spent his life-savings on a mission in Uganda.

Which is a definite problem.

* * *

"Welcome!" Kevin says brightly, utilizing the smile he had perfected when they had been preparing to proselytize. The tip jar always fills up when he is greeting the customers and his apron is always the cleanest, and that is how it is going to stay. "What would you like to order?"

He is slowly dying inside.

He writes out the name of the customer on the paper cup and hands it over to the barista while he makes small talk with the customer. It is early afternoon but the heavy rain makes it appear to be darker outside than usual for this time of the day. The air inside the coffee shop feels almost moist from all the wet shoes and jackets that are regularly passing through.

He is so wrapped up in his personal misery that he doesn't notice the next customer at first. When he finally looks up, his smile stiffens.

At first his brain doesn't make the connection, because Connor McKinley is in Kevin's mind so firmly connected with the Ugandan heat and generic missionary uniforms, not… this. He feels his smile falter somewhat and forces himself to hold on to it.

"Kevin! I thought that was you." Connor smiles widely at him while he unwraps his purple scarf. He has matching gloves and he doesn't look quite real, possibly because of the confident way he moves, miles away from how he carried himself in Uganda, possibly simply because of the surprising blast to the past his presence provides.

"Wow," Kevin says, shaking his head to recover. He's not sure why he doesn't feel altogether pleased to meet Connor here. "How are you?"

Connor's smile falters just a little. "Fine. Very good actually." He brushes a gloved hand through his hair in an attempt to shape it, but the rain has ruined whatever style it had been in beyond repair. "Working part time, huh?"

"Full time, actually." Kevin glances at the line that is forming behind Connor. "Err, would you like to order something?"

If Connor feels brushed off, he doesn't show it. He places his order and steps aside to let the barista prepare it. Kevin becomes occupied with the next customer, but notes that Connor is settling down at a small table by the windows, pulling up a laptop.

A while later later Kevin has his break and Connor is still there, so it would feel rude not to approach him. He pulls the apron over his head and takes a moment to make sure the motion hasn't disheveled his hair before he walks over and slides down onto the empty chair opposite Connor. "Hey."

Connor looks up from the screen. "Hi. You done for today?"

"Taking my fifteen minutes. So what are you doing here?" He smiles to take the edge of what might seem like a rude question. "Last time I heard, you were up in...Pennsylvania?"

"Oh, a job interview." Connor's hair has mostly dried and gained some volume and the ends are just a little bit curled. In the sharp light of the coffee shop his hair looks redder than it really is, and his skin looks paler as a result. Kevin bites his lip. "I didn't think they'd be interested since I'm only halfway through my degree, but they seemed really positive about me, so we'll see!"

"Really? What sort of job?"

"Teaching assistant here at BYU. Dance classes. It's only for a year, but it would be great to have the experience." Connor glances at the screen of his laptop one last time, then closes it and tilts his head. "When I saw you here I thought you'd be a student, but I guess not...?"

"This is technically off-campus," Kevin explains, though he understands how an outsider would find it difficult to make the distinction. The way the shop is located, their customers are mainly students, and they have the right atmosphere for people to meet up for study sessions together in a more relaxed environment. He might the dodging the question a bit, even though it is difficult when Connor is giving him that look.

As they talk about their post-Ugandan life, Kevin learns that Connor has given up Mormonism, which doesn't surprise Kevin at all, given how flippant the former Elder had become with regards to the belief during their mission. Kevin doesn't admit to being an atheist now, per se, because saying it out loud would make it feel necessary for him to explain it to his parents as well, but he thinks that Connor might be picking up on the hints anyway.

Kevin hadn't intended to share his feelings regarding his job, uncertain future, or how stifled he is beginning to feel living with his parents, but somehow, coaxed by Connor's kind interest and sympathetic sounds, the words keep tumbling out of his mouth. His own feelings almost surprise himself. He particularly _like_ to admit to feeling as lost as he does at the moment, but it does feel good to get it off his chest.

They talk until Claire, who has been covering for Kevin, calls his name and he glances at his watch. It is nearly time for the next rush of students heading home after class. He stands, sighing inwardly. "Well, back to the coal mines I guess."

He is stopped by Connor tugging at his hand and pauses.

"I'm sorry you're feeling like this," Connor says, earnestly. "I have to get on my plane in a few hours, otherwise we could talk more. But I do have a suggestion." He smiles suddenly, almost slyly. "If I do get this job, I'll be needing a place to stay. And if you're up for it, maybe we could look for something together?" The moment the words are out of his mouth, he starts to look a little flustered. "I mean, if you still want to get away from your parents."

Kevin has never really understood Connor's somewhat strange mood swings, but the offer warms his heart. "That'd be nice."

They say their goodbyes, and Kevin heads back to take his position again, slipping the apron back on over his head. Claire steps aside to take over coffee preparation duty again. In theory they're supposed to rotate the duties, but Kevin ends up taking the orders more often than not. His co-workers sometimes tease him that it is because his Mormon upbringing has most probably prepared him to greet surly customers. Kevin doesn't really mind. He knows that he is good at what he does because he brings in more tips than any of the others, even if they split the money evenly at the end of each day.

While Kevin doesn't particularly enjoy his job, he likes the easy companionship among the co-workers; it reminds him somewhat of Uganda, except here he is the only Mormon in the group, or as much of a Mormon as he now is nowadays, he supposes. For the first time in his life he finds that he actually enjoys the company of people his age that aren't churchgoers, even if Maureen does sometimes call him a sweet summer child, whatever that means, whenever he accidentally says something that they consider preachy or he admits to not understanding an apparently common pop cultural reference.

Growing up, he hadn't considered himself sheltered; he had been "safe from sinful influences". He'd never rebelled much against his parents' restrictions, instead he had thrown himself right into the film and music that had been deemed appropriate. As a result he had been brought up on a healthy diet of EFY albums, but he doesn't tell his co-workers that. They make fun of him enough as it is when they learn how flustered he becomes when he starts to really listen to what Lady Gaga is singing on the coffee shop radio.

"A friend?" Claire nods towards where Connor is packing up his things. "He's cute... but gay, right?"

"Err." Kevin says. Connor had admitted to being homosexual, sort of, the first day Kevin had met him, but he is not sure how Connor prefers to label himself nowadays. Thankfully, a customer arrives, so he is saved from having to come up with an answer.

* * *

Connor gets the job, of course, and before Kevin understands what is happening, he is announcing to his parents that he is moving out. They're supportive, perhaps even relieved, even if Kevin feels the same trepidation from them that they have displayed regarding any choice Kevin had made since he returned from Uganda.

The apartment that Connor somehow managed to dig up is already sparsely furnished, relieving Kevin of the need to bring any larger things. Thus, he feels comfortable declining help from his father and opts to pack up his belongings into the family car by himself. He is slightly ashamed to admit that this is not because he wants to do things on his own as much as he feels somewhat… wary about introducing Connor to his parents. The former Elder does have a certain… flair that he hadn't been able to hide even when he was deep in the closet. With the more relaxed demeanor he had adapted nowadays, it wasn't that difficult to speculate in his sexuality, much as Kevin hated to admit it. That, combined with the fact that Kevin is actually _moving in_ with the guy might not go over so well with his parents.

Logically, Kevin knows that he can't keep his new roommate hidden from his family forever. His mother has already suggested inviting him for dinner. ("Let him get settled in the city first, mom".)

It's a hot day to be moving boxes. Even with Connor's help once Kevin arrives to the apartment he feels himself become sweaty in a way he hasn't been since Uganda. He rolls up the sleeves of his shirt and wishes that he had been wearing shorts, then preens a bit when he catches Connor checking him out.

That evening they're lounging on the couch in their new living room in companionable silence. The apartment is close to campus and Connor's new work place; outside he can hear groups of students laugh loudly as they pass by their windows.

Kevin may not be among the new groups of students starting up this semester, but at least he feels that his life is moving forward again.

* * *

Connor is an insanely good roommate, Kevin thinks. Maybe it's just the fact that they have already seen each other at their worst, back in Uganda, but their living arrangements work out so easily it almost unnerves him.

Kevin doesn't share his space easily (which had caused countless conflicts with his siblings) but Connor is generous with his. He becomes a smooth presence in Kevin's life, provides just enough company to keep him from feeling lonely but without the expectations that he should _be_ someone. Of course, he knows that Connor used to have a crush on him, but Kevin can't see any signs of that now. If anything, he seems to take up the work he had started in Uganda: Operation Bring-Kevin-Down-To-Earth which had consisted of teasing him of his vanity and gently reprimanding him when his competitiveness brought out the worst in him.

 _(After a couple of days of living together, Connor pokes his head out from the bathroom, waving something in his hand towards where Kevin is seated by the kitchen table. "You use whitening strips?"_

 _Kevin pauses with his toast halfway to his mouth. "So?" he replies and brushes imaginary crumbs from his work shirt._

 _Connor disappears from view and makes an odd sound that appears to be something between a laugh and a snort. It makes Kevin frown._

 _"I've seen you use_ barrettes _," he calls towards the bathroom._

 _From the bathroom, he hears Connor perform some sort of tap dance. It doesn't have much effect as he is only wearing socks, but it makes Kevin glare at his toast nonetheless.)_

Kevin works in shifts, morning, afternoon or evening. The lack of proper routine is new to him, wears him down. Especially the evening shifts makes him grouchy and he'll come home to Connor seated on the couch in the living room with his laptop balancing on his legs, the screen reflected in his reading glasses. Kevin will make it clear just how much he hates his job; even as a part of his mind acknowledges that it's not the job in itself as much as the toll it is taking on his pride that _he_ , Kevin Price, is doing minimum wage service jobs. Connor always listens but sometimes calls him a snot, which is sort of fair. Especially since Kevin always comes home to cooked meals on those days.

 _(Kevin is brilliant at making bacon and eggs, pancakes, mac and cheese, and nothing else._

" _Maybe you should expand your repertoire," Connor suggests when they have been living together for the better part of a month._

 _Kevin gives him a blank look. What he tries to convey is: I spend my entire day on my feet making coffee, defrosting brownies and heating pies for minimum wages and you want me to spend my free time experimenting in the kitchen? Connor doesn't seem to understand this, however, so instead Kevin says, "With what?"_

 _He is currently going through the second pizza of the week (today is Thursday)._

 _Connor shakes his head. "How about this then," he says. "I cook for the both of us, if you take care of the dishes."_

 _Kevin doesn't stop to think about it. "Deal."_

 _He is getting really tired of pizza._

 _Turns out to be a good deal, too, because Connor is a decent cook, and he actually includes vegetables in his recipes, which probably contributes to Kevin's general health in the long run. Besides, Kevin has never really minded washing and cleaning, he prefers to keep his living quarters clean and fresh. He invests in a good pair of dishwashing gloves, and that's that.)_

* * *

Ever since they got home from their mission, Kevin and Arnold have met up regularly for movie nights. It is both a relaxed way to hang out and a way for Arnold to finally educate Kevin in regards to all of the TV-shows and movies that they had used as a preaching aid for the past two years. They'd mostly conducted those movies nights at Arnold's parents' place, since they are way more relaxed regarding what could be perceived as suitable movie selections for Mormon youth than Kevin's parents have ever been.

The first thing they had sat down to watch together had been Star Wars. Two years of preaching about "The Force" had not prepared Kevin for the sheer _boredom_ he felt when he watched those movies. Arnold had been incredibly insulted when he had realized that Kevin was asleep long before Luke and Han Solo had met up with Leia for the first time.

The Lord of the Rings had gone over better, though they had included less exciting parts as well ("You've read the entire Book of Mormon, and you're calling _The Two Towers_ slow? Come _on_.")

Harry Potter though. The childish part of Kevin that perks up at the mere thought of things such as theme parks and Disney quickly became charmed with the films. He can see why his parents had included them on the list of forbidden media (witchcraft, ghosts, werewolves…) but Kevin deeply enjoys the movies not just as mere enjoyment. He finds himself drawn to the messages and can, in some ways, relate to the journey.

So for their first movie night in the new apartment, Arnold comes over with a DVD with the next film in the series (number six) and Kevin is so impatient to finally get the movie started he's practically bouncing on his feet. ("Dude, you really should read the books!")

When Dumbledore dies at the end of the movie, Kevin is surprised by his own emotional reaction. He can relate to the cold loneliness that Harry must be feeling. In the series, Dumbledore had been the comfort, the one that made sure no one had to be _really_ afraid at Hogwarts, or in the world at large.

"He's not _actually_ dead, right?" He tries, glancing at Arnold for support. "It's just fake, part of the plan." Arnold has the worst poker face in the world, but this time his face says nothing. He simply shrugs.

Kevin hugs a pillow and leans back with a sigh, wishing he didn't relate quite so much with Harry Potter at this moment.

Connor is not "officially" watching the movie since he has his laptop open, but his eyes has been more on the tv-screen than the computer, at least for the last part of the movie. As the credits roll he closes the laptop. "I read that Dumbledore is gay," he announces, without really looking at either Kevin or Arnold.

"Really?" Kevin frowns. "I've never noticed."

From the corner of his eye he can see Arnold open his mouth as if to say something, but Connor beats him to it.

"You can't always see it on a person, can you?" he says mildly and stands up to bring his empty mug to the kitchen.

Kevin doesn't know what to reply to that, so he stays quiet.

That night Kevin dreams about Connor in the most mortifying way. He doesn't have… _those_ dreams very often and never really about a specific person. When he wakes up his skin is buzzing and his face hot as he carefully slips out of his bed to change his underwear. It feels like he is a teenager again, reliving those parts of his teenage years that he would rather not think about (how it was suddenly so difficult to share a room with his little brother, shamefully trying to work out for himself if masturbation is a sin without _asking_ anyone).

 _Hot lips against his, Connor's soft hands, red hair, smooth skin…_ whoa.

Kevin takes an unsteady breath and falls back against his pillows.

Even more shaking is the sense of familiarity… intimacy even. He figures that is really the… reason for all this. Connor is becoming his family, a stable, trusted presence. Kevin's subconscious is drawing strange conclusions from that, is all.

It is difficult to fall back asleep.

* * *

Finally Kevin can't put off inviting Connor for a family dinner any longer.

If Connor notices his hesitation he doesn't say so, only accepts the invitation gracefully and asks what would be an appropriate gift to bring, flowers?

On the bus ride over, Kevin tries to reflect over his own feelings concerning this dinner. It's a regular Saturday evening. His mother is most probably making a casserole of some sort. His siblings will probably be home. He will hear if there are any news from Jack in Canada. What is the worst thing that can happen? His parents will probably not be openly rude to Connor, no matter how they might feel about him. His siblings will probably be indifferent, or curious at most.

He jumps in his seat when Connor touches his arm.

"You're so high strung," Connor remarks. "You're… friendly with your parents, right?"

Kevin feels himself flush despite himself, frustrated that his feelings are so obvious. "I am. It's a bit awkward but it's fine." He glances out of the window. "Next is our stop."

Connor looks around curiously as Kevin leads him to the right house. "Nice neighborhood."

"Mm," he agrees, absentmindedly, hesitating for a mere millisecond before reaching for the door handle. He feels too familiar with the house to bother with the doorbell. The door is unlocked. "Hello?"

Grace, their old border collie, is the first one to greet them, waddling up to them with a wagging tail. Moments later his youngest sister, Susanne, thunders through the house to throw herself into Kevin's arms. Kevin smiles despite himself; she had only been six years old when he had left on his mission and had subsequently been shy around him since he got back, at least for a while before she developed some kind of hero worship. He patted her back gently. "Hey Sue."

The rest of the family pops out to greet them; Connor gives Kevin's mother the flowers he had bought (he had tried to get Kevin's opinion on whether to get geraniums or lilies; Kevin had looked at him blankly).

All things considered, however, Kevin thinks that dinner works out well. Kevin and Connor join his family when saying grace despite the fact that neither do it at home, and the rest of the dinner proceeds with the somewhat awkward politeness that Kevin imagines is usually present during situations such as first meeting with in-laws. His father seems slightly bemused as he learns that Connor is majoring in dancing as well as teaching, and his mother raises her eyebrows at some of Connor's mannerisms, but Kevin can see that she is charmed as well.

It helps that his siblings are present, perhaps, because they successfully fill the gaps in conversation with their bickering and teasing.

At the end of the night, when they are getting ready to leave, Kevin isn't quite sure exactly what he had been so afraid of. Connor is talking pleasantly with his mother about something when his father puts a hand on Kevin's shoulder to steer him a few steps away.

Kevin half-expects another lecture about his lack of direction, about God's will and about how Kevin hasn't turned up to any sermons lately. What he doesn't expect is his father leaning in, speaking in a low voice in an attempt at discretion. It's not usually his father's strong suit.

"Kevin, is there anything you would like to tell us?"

Kevin looks at his father blankly, then feels the first hints of mortification prickle in his chest when his father nods towards Connor because he is starting to maybe understand where his father is getting with this.

"Temptations are sent to try our faith," his father is saying. "Our lord gives us guidance in such times. Maybe if you decided to join our sermons again…"

"I don't know what you are talking about," Kevin lies quickly, because he _really_ needs his father to _stop talking_. He feels blood rushing to his face and slides away from the hand that is still resting on his shoulder. He can't remember if he has ever turned his back in his father before and the thought is heavy in his mind.

He moves in to hug his mother, perhaps a little more forcefully than usual, she makes a surprised sound against his shoulder but hugs him back.

Then, Kevin all but drags Connor out of the door.

* * *

Kevin has never considered his sexuality in terms of, well, _anything_ , to be completely honest. He had been taught that men should lie with and marry women, but he hadn't been taught that _feeling_ differently was bad. Only acting upon it. Of course, it has never been a problem to him either way because he has always planned on waiting until marriage with… all that.

He has never considered that he might be different from other people in that regard. He has always chalked it up to the fact that not everyone were as devout as he used to be, but what is his excuse now?

He's not gay. It's not just that he is afraid of the label; he just doesn't think it applies to someone who has only been attracted to one person in his entire life, even if that person happens to be another guy.

But it doesn't matter, does it?

He's not going to act on it, either way.

* * *

Connor seems to fit right in at the art department where he is working. The pay is low, but he is so excited about both his own and his students' progress that Kevin can't help but feel envious. Not because he has any desire to become a teacher, of course, but he misses his own ambition. Some evenings he spends hours going through all college websites he can remember, looking for something he wants to do. Other evenings he camps out on the couch the entire night watching brain-numbing programs such as Toddlers and Tiaras.

"You need to get out more," Connor tells him when he realizes that Kevin can perform the children's signature moves better than the children themselves. Kevin has to admit it might be true, but when Claire texts him a couple of days later about organizing an after-work, his first instinct is to say no. It is only because Connor finds out about it that he finds himself forced to agree.

Though an after-work might be a bit too positive a word to use when it's only four people going out for drinks (Kevin sticks with Sprite) after an evening shift. Kevin is the only guy out of the four, and it doesn't really occur to him that it might be strange until later.

"So how's it going with the new roomie?" Claire asks, leaning closer so that she will be heard over the obnoxious laughter from a nearby table. "Maddy has him as a teacher, she says he's really cute. And nice."

Maddy, sitting on the other side of the table, flushes. "Jeez, shut up." She lowers her face to avoid their eyes on her. "It's obvious he's gay, either way."

"I knew it." Claire appears to be pleased that someone else is agreeing with her earlier prediction. "How do you know him, Kevin? I thought your church wasn't that progressive."

"I don't go to church anymore," he protests, then admits. "Connor was a missionary too. We served in Uganda together."

Maureen seems to choke on her drink. She puts her glass down and wipes her lips with the back of her hand. "Really? He doesn't seem like the type." Connor comes into the coffee shop regularly when Kevin has an evening shift, so they're all becoming familiar enough with him to recognize him and his typical orders.

"And what kind of sadist sends a redhead to Uganda for two years?"

Kevin, remembering the amount of sunscreen Connor had gone through daily, smirks.

"What was Uganda like, anyway? You don't really talk about it."

The smile falls from his face. How do you summarize two years that ended up with him giving up his faith in God?

"It was hot," he says instead, frowning as he realizes that all three are watching him now. "People were poor. There were mosquitoes. And snakes." The girls collectively make a face.

"It must have been so interesting though." Maureen is majoring in international relations. "What a great opportunity to learn more about another country. I mean, not just learn, but really _understand_."

"Here she goes," Claire mutters under her breath.

Kevin hadn't thought about it like that before. He had considered his Uganda mission rewarding in its own way, but mostly through how they had managed to do good deeds for the villagers. He hadn't considered the possibility that it might be the other way around as well.

"Yes," he finds himself agreeing, as a spark of… something lights up in his chest. "It really was."

Connor had been right; this _is_ better than Toddlers and Tiaras.

* * *

The next day Kevin has the morning off and he finds himself browsing college websites with more energy than he has felt in a while. He engrosses himself in acceptance statistics for various schools and programs and he's not sure how much time has passed, so he's surprised to hear Connor arrive home to grab some lunch, as he sometimes does when he doesn't feel like eating cafeteria food.

"What are you doing?" Connor asks as he passes the living room where Kevin is sitting with his computer. He picks up one of the papers that Kevin has spread over the table, then does a double take. "What's this?"

Kevin forces his eyes away from his laptop. "My high school transcripts," he says, impatiently, because it even _says so_ on the paper.

Connor lets it fall to the table again. "It figures that you were a straight A student."

Kevin grimaces at him, unsure if he is being made fun of or not. "There are two Bs". Physics and biology. It is still a sore spot for him. He had refused to dissect a pig, claiming it was for religious reasons until he had almost believed it himself.

"Sweetie, with this GPA you could go to any college you want."

"What?" Kevin stares, thrown off by the term of endearment.

"What?" Connor blinks back, then grins with a cheeky confidence that tugs at something in Kevin's chest. Granted, Kevin had been slightly preoccupied with himself those early days in Uganda, but he does still remember the almost haunted look in Connor's face, from sleep-deprivation, or years of self-loathing, or both. Connor has changed a lot, and only for the better.

Kevin clears his throat, suddenly feeling unexplainably uncomfortable with himself. Thankfully Connor doesn't seem to notice, only places a hand on Kevin's shoulder as he leans closer to read the document that Kevin is composing on his laptop.

"International politics, global studies, political science?" He squeezes Kevin's shoulder. "I think I'm finally sensing a theme."

"There's so much to choose from." He can hear the excitement come through in his own voice. "I'm thinking maybe to take a few courses at BYU first, see if it's my thing, then maybe apply to programs elsewhere as well, there seem to be a lot of great…" he trails off as he notices Connor's broad smile, afraid that he might be laughed at for some reason. "What?"

"Nothing. I just think it's a great fit."

"Really?" It's a compliment he accepts with slight trepidation, because people used to think he would be the perfect Latter Day Saint and missionary as well, and look how that turned out. Still, it's nice to hear, especially since Connor is the most sensible person that Kevin knows.

"Really." Connor squeezes his shoulder again, leaning in a bit closer for just a second. Kevin can feel his breath against his neck and it sends small pangs of electricity down his spine. Then, Connor takes his hand away and turns to walk towards the kitchen. "Is Bolognese okay?"

* * *

Kevin is turning into a grumpy adult because it the first snow of the year is falling and all he is doing is grumbling to himself about how his feet are wet and how his fingers are so cold he keeps getting the number combination to his building wrong. It has been snowing the whole day and the flakes are big and heavy.

Then, a snowball hits him in the back.

Kevin turns around, ready to perform his grumpy adult act to perfection for some cheeky kid. Instead he is faced with Connor, grinning innocently at him in a way that really doesn't become someone that is three years Kevin's senior. His gloves are covered in compressed chunks of snow.

Kevin thinks, the hell with being a grown up.

The subsequent snowball fight is short and not as sweet as Kevin would have liked. He is taller and probably stronger than Connor, but Connor is faster, and the whole thing ends with Kevin getting mauled with a chunk of snow pressed against the back of his head. It pisses him off a bit because he only really likes snowball fights if he is the one that wins. And as the oldest sibling, Kevin usually is the winner.

Now, he sputters angrily and tries to dig the snow out from under his collar at the same time as he wants to catch Connor to get revenge. Connor tries to scramble away but Kevin manages to grab onto the sleeve of his jacket and _tugs_. Connor almost overbalances, stumbling against Kevin.

There is a short pause as both of them has to make sure that they're not going to topple over and a moment later Kevin realizes that they're facing each other, his hand still holding on to Connor's jacket. They stare at each other for one breathless moment, Connor's face still caught in a victorious grin.

The next moment, Kevin is kissing him.

He has no idea what he is doing and his heartbeat is doing some weird jig-like dance in his chest, reminding him of that this is his first kiss, ever. He feels Connor move against him in what Kevin thinks might be a positive way, but Kevin has already started to freak out and it is too late to stop it.

He takes a quick step back. Connor's hand slips from his waist, and it is only then that Kevin realizes that it had been resting there.

A drop of melted snow falls from his collar and down his spine.

"Um," he says and licks his lips. He can feel Connor's eyes on him, but he can't force himself to meet them for more than milliseconds at a time as his eyes dart around wildly.

Then, Kevin turns on his heels and walks away.

* * *

The problem with kissing your roommate is that you still have to _live_ with that person. Kevin's first choice would be to hide at home, but that isn't really an option in this case. Besides, Kevin can imagine how anti-climactic it would be for him to have to pause to struggle with the number combination again. Instead he finds himself stalking back the way he had come from, back to the coffee shop.

As his heart stops racing he becomes aware of how his wet clothes are inviting the cold. The tingling under his skin gives way to shivers; he glares at the people that he imagines are staring at him as he hurries past.

Maddy raises her eyebrows as he enters the coffee shop, probably only about forty minutes after he had left. He wishes there was room to hide in the miniature kitchen behind the counter, but has to settle for a table by the radiator instead, shrugging out of his coat and shaking snow out of his hair. After a moment Maddy brings him a clean kitchen towel to dry his hair with, plus a large expresso ("On the house"). She looks like she wants to ask about what is going on, then takes another look at Kevin's expression and shuts her mouth.

He wraps his hands around the hot cup and inhales the scent of fresh coffee.

He can totally be rational about this.

…So much for not acting on his feelings.

What will Connor think? Or rather, what _is_ Connor thinking right now? Kevin feels blood rush to his face at the thought. He can't believe he just kissed his roommate and then ran away.

He'll just… have to apologize. Or pretend nothing happened, but that would probably not work. Kevin knows his roommate well enough to know with certainty that Connor is going to want to _talk_ about this.

One moody part of Kevin's mind wishes that he could come down with acute pneumonia right here and now. Then all his other problems could be put on hold for a while. He puts down his coffee, rests his head in his hands and tries not to moan. He'll probably scare other customers away if he acts like a loon.

Faintly, he can hear the bell chime as the door to the coffee shop opens.

"Oh, hello Maddy."

"Hi, Mr. McKinley," Maddy chirps. "He's over there. Do you want anything?"

Kevin moves his head so that his hands covers his face.

"Just this once I'm fine, thank you."

He continues to cover his face, a bit like a grouchy child, when he hears the scraping of a chair being pulled out and Connor sits down, beside him rather than in front of him.

"I'm sorry," he hears Connor say, voice soft. "I never meant to… scare you."

Kevin thinks about this for a moment, but it doesn't make sense to him. "Why are _you_ apologizing? I'm the one who…" he licks his lips and feels his face heat up again. Instead of finishing the sentence he removes one hand from his face to give a vague wave.

"Well." Connor clears his throat. He sounds reluctant, or a bit ashamed perhaps, and it makes Kevin look up at him. Connor is blushing as well, his ears turning almost as red as his hair. "I've been kind of, flirting with you since we first met?"

Kevin had known about Connor's crush, but that had been _ages_ ago. Since they moved in together he hasn't seen any sign of it and had assumed that Connor was over it. He tries to rack his brain for any signs that Connor had been flirting with him for the past few months, but has to admit to himself that he doesn't really know how flirting works.

"Then you're crap at flirting," he snaps defensively instead.

Connor clears his throat again, a smile tugging at his lips. "Maybe I am. On the other hand, I didn't really think you'd… I mean, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It was selfish of me to confuse you like that."

Kevin feels a chill spread in his stomach as he considers the possibility that Connor has just been playing with him all this time. Maybe he would have deserved it, back in Uganda, but now? Kevin likes to think he isn't an arrogant asshole anymore, but who knows? He hadn't actually considered himself an asshole back then either, until people had pointed it out to him. Maybe he is just one of those people that have absolutely no self-perception whatsoever.

"So you didn't mean it," he says, voice flat.

Connor stares at him. "Kevin, I've been in love with you since I first saw you." He blushes again and presses his lips together. He looks like he's suddenly on the verge of an anxiety attack. He takes a breath and continues. "I just never thought you'd…" He waves between Kevin and himself, then throws both hands in the air.

Kevin feels himself relax slightly. "That was my first kiss," he finds himself admitting. "Ever." From the corner of his eye he can see Maddy whipping up a hot chocolate and trying to look like she's not eavesdropping.

"Really?" Connor asks. He looks a bit wary, still, but also intrigued. Kevin feels some sort of nervous laughter bubble in his throat and bites his lip to keep it down. His body is suddenly full of twitchy energy.

"Kevin got one on the house, so it's only fair you do, too." Maddy walks over with the hot chocolate in one hand and another towel in the other, handing them to Connor. "Kissed and made up?"

"Yes. Literally," Connor says, looking a little cheeky all of a sudden, then mortified when he realizes what he just said. Kevin can't hold it in any longer and starts laughing. Connor blinks at him, then smiles uncertainly.

Maddy doesn't bat an eyelid. "Sounds like your night is better than mine," she mutters as she leaves them alone.

"It was," Connor agrees to her retreating back, looking pleased as he meets Kevin's amused eyes.

 _iv_

Kevin Price, age twenty-two, never did give God the miraculous show he had planned. Instead he studies political science and graduates with honors before moving away from Provo together with his boyfriend.

He drinks copious amounts of coffee, has a rocky relationship with his family, and visits the Harry Potter Theme Park more times than he is willing to admit.

This show, he thinks, is even better.


End file.
